Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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