I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
