i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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