ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
