Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
