He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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