FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
