My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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