And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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