grandma shit on top of the toilet
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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