how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
