I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
BRING THE BAGELS
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
