Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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