somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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