turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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