I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
