I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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