True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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