dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
