You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
