who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
