I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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