....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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