Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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