Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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