I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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