My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
