remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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