i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
