My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
