She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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