I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just threw up on my dentist
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
