Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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