She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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