I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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