My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
