i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
