I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
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