SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
