you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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