I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
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Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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