Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
