I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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