I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
