Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
