Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Boobs speak an international language.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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