i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
