If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
