Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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