so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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