i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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