U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
