Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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