wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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