Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
