I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Never let your siblings swipe right.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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