I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
