You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
