I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
